Taking Responsibility and Choosing a Different Path

Life can be rough.  Like sandpaper, like a cat’s tongue, like heck, life.

I’ve felt like my life has been rough the last couple of years.  And, you know what,

I’ve been Angry.

Hurt.

Sad.

Depressed.

Bitter.

Funky.

Not Me.

I mean truly not me.  I’ve had glimpses of her.  But, she hasn’t settled to roost with me, on a constant basis, for quite sometime.

(Ok, does it sound like I’ve got split personalities here?!  I don’t.  I’m just trying to use words to convey that I had gotten really lost.  To the point where I am not certain I even recognized myself anymore.)

Yet, I learned something today.  Someone taught me something.  I don’t even think intentionally, but they did.  And, I am so VERY thankful!!

I can continue to be angry, hurt, sad, depressed, bitter, funky, and not myself.  Or, I can choose, yes choose, a different path.  You see, this is my life.  The only one I’m going to have.  So, I need to start taking responsibility for it.  Responsibility for my past choices and my past digressions.  But, it’s more than that.  It isn’t simply about taking responsibility for my past.  It is also about taking responsibility for my future.  I can blame others, and be pissed, or, I can find and accept my responsibility and move on.  Expect more.  From others and from myself.

And, that is exactly what I am going to do.  I am going to close one chapter in my life, and I am going to begin to write the next chapter.  And, you know what,

I am Excited.

Elated.

Hopeful.

Encouraged.

Impassioned.

Joyful.

Oh, and Nervous. (but, in a good way!)

I read some quotes, just today, that I think are quite profound.  They speak to me.  They are all by the same person – Cheryl Strayed.

“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”

This is exactly right….I don’t have to beat myself up for a person who I no longer am….

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

Wow….I mean, wow….live through the suffering….I think I’ve done that, or, I may be doing that….either way….I am moving towards a better me.

“The most terrible and beautiful and interesting things happen in a life.  Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.”

Is this along the same idea of what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger?!  🙂  The pain can be nurturing though, can’t it?  Interesting.

“It is not so incomprehensible as you pretend, sweet pea. Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be as light as the hug we give a friend or as heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor and “loaded with promises and commitments” that we may or may not want to keep.”

All very, very true.

And this one, quite frankly, simply made me laugh like hell!!!!

“The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it.”

That is my new goal.  To tackle the motherfucking shit out of my life.  Take it back.  Make it mine.  Be proud of the path and myself.  It doesn’t mean my life won’t take a rough path again.  But, I think, I will be better prepared if and/or when it happens….

Originally Written 26Feb15

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