Who I AM

I forgot who I was.  

The Real

Betrayal is

Forgetting Yourself.

Fuckology

I wrote those words, ‘I forgot who I WAS‘, and I found myself pause.  Rereading the words I wrote.  Actually just rereading one word.  I quietly introspected to find the answer of why did I write WAS?  The introspection did not take long….I say it in past tense as I suppose that is how I really feel.  I am not who I WAS.  I am who I have BECOME.

I wish, instead, that I had written, ‘I forgot who I AM.’  If I forgot who I AM, then that means I can get her back.  I can find her again.  Right? WAS sounds so past tense to me.  Something that is gone.  Forever missing. AM sounds hopeful to me.  More present tense.

I do not think I am unique.  I think it happens to many of us.

Life changes us.

Circumstances change us.

Age does it.

An event, one single event in life, can do it.

Occurrences happen and we change.

People also change who we are.

My change agents, the big ones….one event and one occurrence.

The event was my move, almost 9 years ago now.  Leaving behind so much of what brought with it my pride & my identity.  I am rather embarrassed, and ashamed, to share this as the long-term outcome has been the benefit of my being a stay at home mom.  Here is the thing….I LOVE being a stay at home mom.  I feel so VERY fortunate to be able to be one.  I’ve experienced moments, too numerous to count, that would have otherwise been foreign to me.  One being that look from my 11 year old Coco just last week in the Spelling Bee.  The one I wrote about last week and the picture I shared.  With Lou, my 7 year old, I think of how excited she gets when I volunteer in her class, or the kisses she blows to me everyday as I drop her off at school.  Both things that would have been forfeited to have a larger identity for myself outside of my home.  Yes, I know that being home is the most important job I could ever do, or have.  I value it.  I just struggle, at times, to find my identity in it.  So yes, abashedly, I admit that my larger identity has suffered.  It has left me struggling.  Struggling for a long time now.  And, feeling that I forgot who I WAS.

Bring on the occurrence….the thing that actually probably has left more scarring and damage than the event.  It is related to a choice.  A choice of which I am not proud.  I say it as if it was a one time thing.  You know, an event.  It wasn’t.  It was a choice, that I made, over and over again.  A choice that caused hurt.  A choice that has left an impact on life.  A choice that changed who I had BECOME.  

The event, 9 years ago, was with the intention of good.  The reason for the move came to fruition.  Yet, it also took me away from almost everything I knew, so many who loved me, so very much that brought me pride, and confidence, and love for myself.  And the end result….I forgot who I WAS.

The occurrence, I haven’t figured out the why.  As the choice that was made has resulted in so much pain for my husband and I.  At times, I wonder if we will ever make it back to who WE WERE.

This is where I currently find myself.  Feeling, and hoping, that perhaps I did only forget who I AM.  Not who I WAS.  Working so hard to find her again.  And, allowing her to once again be in existence.

I find myself trying to once again be who I AM.  I am trying, really hard, to be committed to what makes me feel like me.  To find the strength, to once again be who I AM.  I betrayed myself.  I forgot who I AM.  My biggest desire is for her to join me, stay, and feel welcome.

Maybe
the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything.
Maybe it’s unbecoming everything that isn’t
you so you can
be who you were meant
to be in the first place.

sexyfoodtherapy.com

I want this to be my journey.  I want any confusion or pain, sadness or fear, the struggles I’ve experienced, I want them to be because I am unbecoming everything that isn’t me.  So that I can once again be who I AM.  To once again have pride, excitement, and a passion for who I AM.

What have you allowed to  change you?  Who have you allowed to change you?  And, do you view it as who you WERE, or, who you ARE?  Simply lost but not forgotten.  When one is lost they can find their way back.  It takes so much strength.  It is easier with the support and love of others.  Yet, as I am learning, sometimes I think we are meant to walk this journey by ourselves.  Perhaps that is where the real strength comes.  In being strong enough to do it by yourself.

May I once again find who I AM.  May I remember who I AM.  And may I have the confidence to be her and no one else….

Originally Written 21Jan16

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